all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Dietest Coke
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done