Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
You Might Also Like
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I think I’ll stand
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone