Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me logging onto twitter
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!