Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Well, that didn’t work.