*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*lint rolls you awake*
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?