Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people