The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
How is it still this week?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”