With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”