How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed