Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.