Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Respect