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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”