me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan