“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My plans: 2020:
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.