Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Get in loser we’re going crying
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you