INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Good morning, Twitter x
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]