My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Dishonest mechanic?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes