[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
WHY would you be happy about this?