I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
You Might Also Like
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
reminder
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza