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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*