(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Camping tip: No.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
fixed it
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.