stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I came this close!!!!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.