To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
channeling her this year
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Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright