I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.