Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
same energy
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Feels like the fourth month in January