Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Who does Amazon think I am?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”