me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.