These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Called it
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.