Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
two people or more is called a problem
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.