You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.