My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?