How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
You Might Also Like
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away