In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.