About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.