[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You Might Also Like
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
#math
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*