[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You Might Also Like
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.