“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles