Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
work smarter, not harder
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok