[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.