[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
one last job
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.