I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
emergency phone
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.