Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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This is a bad sign
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.