Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*