I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
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[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.