Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.