“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.