I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?