When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.