That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
This is my cat’s medicine.