When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*